It all began when my dear friend Steph Demetrious told me she was organising a soul sister retreat. I have always wanted to go on a retreat, to take a break and reconnect with my highest self.
I felt the pull to purchase my ticket, but as we do as mum's, we ask ourselves if we deserve to spend this amount of money on ourselves. Am I being selfish?
So as I do when I am faced with a decision I can't make on my own, I pulled an oracle card for some guidance.
The card was 'you need to spend time alone in nature'. Okay universe, done!
I purchased my ticket there and then. I had to. My soul needed this.
The lead up to the retreat was a mixture of excitement and anxiety. I would be leaving my daughter for the first time for a whole weekend. Mama guilt crept in at times but I reminded myself of the oracle cards message. I need this. I deserve this.
The wave of emotions that came up on the drive to beautiful Millgrove was not expected. I was crying my eyes out from a mixture of mama guilt and anxiety from my introverted self.
It hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn't know anyone else who was going (except Steph), I was leaving my little girl behind and my ego went into overdrive.
"You don't know anyone"
"No one is going to like you"
"It will just be like school camp" (I hated school camps)
"You should just turn around and go home"
And on and on.
I was crying my eyes out on the drive to Millgrove. I knew I was in a bad headspace with my ego on full blast.
I couldn't push back these thoughts; they were too strong and loud.
I called my husband when I was only 20 minutes from arriving and told him I was coming home. "I CAN'T DO THIS!" I sobbed.
He talked me through my crazy thoughts and told me to pull over and contain my emotions (so wise).
I pulled over and brought myself back to my breath. I started to take back control of my thoughts and very clear words came to me "keep driving, you need this".
This whole process made me realise how far I have come in this journey of self development and spirituality. I was able to work through what I was feeling and thinking and return back to peace.
The weekend turned out to be another roller coaster of emotions but in a positive way. I was able to really tap into what I needed.
Naps during the day. Reading a whole book (The Four Agreements). Going for a walk. Breathing beautiful fresh air. Returning to my essential oils and oracle cards for guidance. Morning yoga. Delicious vegetarian food. And most importantly, connecting with soul sisters.
Meditating in circle with beautiful women who are all here for the same reason, to connect to their higher selves and release what no longer serves them.
Sitting around a crackling fire with warm blankets over our legs, speaking our truth and not being ashamed to cry and show who we really are. True vulnerability embraced with love.
I released a lot of things that have been holding me back. Things from the past which cannot be changed but can be let go of. Accepted and sent off with love.
I now know why I had to go to Steph's beautiful retreat, it was to accept me for who I am today. To let go of past Kylie and not think too much about future Kylie, but to just be here. Right now, in this moment. Giving myself space to be all I can be. To be a better coach and trainer.
Connecting with soul sisters is so empowering and something we as women, need to do more of. To find our tribe and not be afraid to be vulnerable. To speak our truth so we feel supported and loved.
Thank you Steph for holding space for all of us women to be vulnerable and show each other love (something that women don't do enough of).
Thank you to all the amazing women I met and connected with on a deep level.
Sat nam x