Three week's ago I was pregnant. Excited and happy that our second little bubba was growing in my belly.
I had been exhausted, nauseous on and off and my belly was slowly starting to pop out. All the signs of a healthy pregnancy.
Then Monday afternoon, three weeks ago, I started to get some spotting. I panicked and called my obstetrician's office and spoke with the midwife there. She squeezed me in to get an ultrasound that evening.
The stress and worry was on!
Without going into too much detail, as I am still processing it all myself, our baby had a heartbeat at the scan but was only measuring 6 weeks instead of 9 weeks. We were totally confused as my cycle was always 28 days and there was no way we were 3 weeks out.
The next day I woke up with a light period of bleeding. It had gotten worse. So again, panicked I called up my OB and spoke to the midwife who squeezed me in to come in and see my OB that afternoon.
The rest of that day is a little blurry. You know those moments when you aren't really in your body because you cannot comprehend what is actually going on. We were in the OB's office after she did an ultrasound and we were told and saw, our little bubba's heart had stopped beating.
The next thing I was in the operating theater being put to sleep as I was getting a suction curette done. I awoke from the procedure and it all hit me...my baby was gone. One minute I was pregnant, and the next I'm not.
I felt empty. Confused. Sad. Shocked.
Three week's on, I'm feeling a lot more at peace. We did our own little goodbye ceremony a week after it all happened because I felt as though I had to do something. I could feel within myself that I was gripping onto our baby and not wanting to let go because that seemed too hard and too sad.
Grief is such an uncomfortable feeling to go through. But I knew I had to feel it. I had to allow myself to go through this; tears and all. Because if I didn't fully feel it, I knew it would come back and bite me in the bum sometime in the future. I had to feel this for our baby.
A week or so ago, I made a video in my Radiant Mama's FB group where I shared what had happened. The amount of women who reached out and shared their stories of miscarriage too absolutely astounded me. Thank you to those ladies.
Why don't we talk about it so we can support each other and know we have done nothing wrong?
Why is it a taboo subject?
Unfortunately it is all too common.; 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. WTF??!! And we don't talk about it, for what reason?
The support I got and felt from those women who knew exactly what I was going through was incredible. Every woman who loses a baby deserves this support.
So that is why I am sharing my story. Not for sympathy, but to help other women who may be struggling, that they are not alone in this.
I am here with you. I know the pain you have felt or are feeling right now. You are never alone.
I had a healing done last Friday with the incredible Sara Brooke, to help cleanse and bless my womb space, ready for baby number three. It was absolutely amazing and I felt the physical effects of the healing taking effect on Saturday when I was struck down with a migraine and vomiting. My body was physically purging what no longer served me.
Something Sara said during the healing was that this happened to me so I can help other women who have been through the same thing, as I am studying reiki healing.
I will be able to start offering reiki healing, both in person and distantly, in April to help women who need a little womb love, either to heal from a miscarriage, a traumatic birth or you may just feel as though you need a little cleansing after having your baby. If this something you would love, please send me an email and I will add you to my wait list, you will then be the very first to know when my books open for reiki & womb healing.
Do what you need to do to move through the grief and loss, but whatever you do, don't disregard it. Feel it now, move through it now, heal now, so later on you won't have to deal with it in a bigger way.
So in closing my dear mum's and friend's...here is to all our little angels that never got to make it earth side.
Be happy & healthy,